remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I pour the whiskey from now on
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize