rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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