the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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