Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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