apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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