so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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