Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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