dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize