He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you had me at cake vodka
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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