I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
