Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
