We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
3 2 1 whiskey
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
