New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Randomize
