I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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