i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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