Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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