Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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