she was so not down for the gang bang
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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