He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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