wrigley field is MILF paradise
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
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