you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize