Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
