you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
