my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
worst night to have a conscience
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
