From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
