but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I will pee on everything he values.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
