It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
