you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
