Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I deserve this hangover.
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