why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
