Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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