This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
