Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
