When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
