How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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