i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
