Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
