I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
