I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
