A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
