my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
