you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
