God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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