Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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