Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
