Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
