I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
