she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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