dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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