We named our party play list daddy issues
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
