New invention idea: vibrating tampons
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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