I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
