so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
