I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
