end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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