he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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