On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
